Diamonds aren't forever.

so life hasn't been all that perfect recently. in fact, it's never been worse. I never felt so low in my life, so..tired. tired in itself is a massive understatement. as usual im only here when im down, when I feel like there's nobody else to turn to, nothing to hold on to, no place to go. "your lungs are terrible" keep ringing in my head, yet I destroy myself further by having a higher nicotine intake. truth is, I really don't know what I want in life anymore. maybe studying was a mistake, maybe commitment is a mistake, but every single night I ask myself, is me wanting to achieve all my dreams and goals a mistake too?

I want to travel, I want to become a professional gamer at least once, I want to make new friends, I want to have travel buddies, I want to obtain a degree, and the list goes on..yeah I may sound selfish and you may say that I don't think of others, but hey, all my life I've been helping people achieve their dreams, what about mine? maybe its the age, maybe its my maturity or state of mind, but recently I've felt the NEED to do something about my life. i don't want to grow up regretting something i never did, i'd rather be regretting something i did. i want to be able to tell my kids "i did this and that" instead of "i did nothing" and if i were to have kids right now, those would be the exact words i'd be saying to them. its so..sad.

to be honest, i don't know what's standing in between me and my dreams. maybe somewhere deep down i know, but i refuse to admit it. maybe. personally i think i will never find out because im a coward. yes, a coward. that's what i am. i may be brave enough to travel alone and stuff, but when it comes to life matters, i suck at bravery. I've been told by many that i am a coward, i always say im not, but deep down i know i am. and once again, its so..sad.

times like this i wish life had a rewind button, so i wouldn't screw up my past, my studies, my life. but really, i thank the Almighty for everything he's given me, because without my past, i don't think i will ever become the person i am today. i just pray, and hope, that in the end, all this will be worth it, because as for now, the future looks grim. but like i always tell people, have faith, so i keep telling myself that too. every. single. day.

who knows what the future holds, who knows where i'll be years down the road. who knows whether or not i'll still be here writing. who knows i'll stumble upon this one day and laugh, or cry. what i do know now is, all i have to do is be strong, strong enough to face the upcoming near future, and fight to overcome every possible obstacle. because when you have faith, you win in life..


“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do." - H.Jackson Brown Jr